IVF #6 = failure

:'-(

IVF #6

So we're in our two-week-wait for ivf #6. This one isn't very promising... We did the co-culture. Then he decided to do regular meds (lupron + follistim) and we had 9 eggs but only 2 fertilized. So we had a day three transfer with those two... Not very exciting. I wasn't that impressed with this place. They're supposed to be the best - but this ended up being the least amount of embryos that we ended up with. I don't have much optimism for this cycle. Guess this means IVF #7... Wish I could just stop them but DH wants me to keep doing them...
We have the homestudy for the adoption process on Sunday so at least we have something else doing.
We also started going to training for fostering, though we're still deciding if fostering is right for us...
That's my update. Nothing too exciting, unfortunately.

Consult with RE #5 + Consult with Adoption Lawyer

So we had a consult with another RE last week. He said he'd want to do an endometrial coculture with the next ivf, since we make poor embryos maybe using some of my own lining might make them better. (Not looking forward to this since I once had a uterus biopsy -- with RE #2 -- and it was so painful I fainted afterwords and they wouldn't let me leave since my blood pressure was crazy and I was driving home.)

Then he said he would either do an IVF cycle with:
1. clomid + injections
or
2. the thing the other RE mentioned he'd do -with no lupron but using lupron to trigger ovulation.
He wants to see more of our previous records (which apparantly we never got, though we thought, and were told, we had everything, so we're still trying to get those) and he wants to discuss with some of the other doctors at his practice which course would be better, because of our previous 5 failed IVFs. At least he didn't give us false optimism like all the other REs... The other "fun" part is he doesn't take our insurance so we're just shelling out the money now...

Yesterday, we also had an appointment with an adoption lawyer. We weren't so happy with him though. We paid $400 for him to tell us nothing we didn't know. And he was very disorganized. So now we're unsure if we should look for another lawyer, or use him anyway or what. It's ridiculous that the whole adoption process is so complicated and expensive. Our lawyer told us to expect to pay $35000 if we do advertising ourselves or $55000 if we hire someone to advertise for us. Who has this kind of money? So now I'm really not sure adoption will happen either. I was hoping going to the lawyer would make DH much more optimistic about adoption, since it would feel more real to him. But if anything the lawyer just made both of us more pessimistic and overwelmed and less sure that this is doable for us.

So we're back to square zero...

I also found a new psychologist to go to for depression. I went to one a few months ago for six months but he didn't really help me. This new one doesn't take my insurance though (I couldn't find one that does that deals with depression and has evening hours), so we'll be paying out of pocket for this as well. Of course my dh didn't like the alternative of my suicide, so we'll be paying for this too.

So between paying for IVF out of network + all adoption expenses + a therapist out of network -- think we'll still have enough money for rent? I guess we can always stop eating...

IVF #5 failure phone consult

So I had a phone consult with my RE to discuss our recent failure. He said he was surprised given my age (still under 30 -- though not by much anymore :-( ) that I had such poor embryos. He said usually he only sees such poor embryos from women over 40. So he basically had only two ideas for us:
1. They just tried a new protocal for one patient (last week, so they don't yet know if it even worked for this one patient). Basically, there's a study that shows that if you use lupron instead of the hcg shot to make you ovulate, you won't hyperstimulate. So the RE wants to do this with me and not give me the bc pills and lupron initially.
The other thing he would want to add is to do pgd with the ivf. He said he usually only recommends this for women over 40 or if there's a history of pregnancy loss (since it's expensive and insurance doesn't cover it) but in my case he'd want to do it since he thinks there may be an issue on the male side that we don't know about. It could be we're just thinking pcos and so we think we know the problem and keep trying ivfs, but the reason the embryos are poor, is due to the male side of things and he said with pgd at least we'd know if the bad embryos are because of me or because of dh.
2. His other option was an egg donor. He said he hates suggesting it to someone so young, but he doesn't see an issue with my uterus and that may be our best option at getting pregnant.

So that was our "great" news -- from the doctor that gave us a 65% chance for each IVF cycle working, even though we already had 3 ivfs. So much for optimism.
We have a consult with another RE, since four REs is not enough, right? And we started looking into adoption. So even though this is our "break" it really doesn't feel like one, but I don't think I know how to have a break. I can't really stop thinking about all this, so I can never really have a complete break...

Sometimes I feel like I need a complete break not just from fertility treatments but from life as well.

IVF #5 = Failure

So this has been a pretty bad month for us. The cycle was pretty bad from the beginning. They ended up doing retreival much earlier than they would have wanted since my estrogen was over 6000. So I ended up with 8 eggs, 5 fertilized, but all were poor quality. They were going to put back 2 and I asked for 3 and the dr said, "Sure, why not? We'll be lucky if even one of these work." So, it wasn't a big shocker when I got the negative result, but of course it hurts anyway. We found out the bad news a week ago. I'm still having issues with it. I don't want to do another IVF. I think 5 failures is enough for me. I was literally ready to jump off a building most of this month. But DH wants me to do more. He's not ready to give up hoping. Of course I'm the one that needs to go through most of this... So anyway, we decided to take a long break (at least 6 months is the plan, don't know if we'll make it) and reevaluate later. After the break, he said if I agree to do more IVFs, we can start the adoption process. Of course I only got him to say that by threatening to leave him if he won't let me adopt, so it wasn't really a win. I just want to know that one day I will have a child, and that one day won't be in ten years. (We're also talking about possibly looking into egg donors, which neither of us is too happy with. He prefers it to adoption, but is still hoping we'll get a miracle and have a baby with both our genes. I think I might prefer adoption, since I'm scared I won't be able to handle being pregnant with someone else's baby for 9 months. And I'm worried it'll hurt me seeing a baby that's DH's but not mine and having everyone make comments about how much it looks like me... And at the same time I also think there may be issues with my uteris and I'm not really ready for more miscarriages. But I guess I'd do it anyway for DH.) So that's our story. Assuming I actually don't end up killing myself within the next few months...

Starting IVF#5

I'm currently doing the birth control/lupron thing to start IVF #5. I'm really not so hopeful for this... What's the chance of IVF #5 working when the proceeding 4 didn't work? I wish I could just give up and stop all this. At what IVF number do I decide I had enough and I just won't have kids of my own?

I can't even miscarry normally...

So today, almost a week after my beta went down to 25, it went up to 67. And still no bleeding... Thursday I'm having an ultrasound, so they can see what's going on and if I'll need a d&c. Great. I can't get pregnant normally and I can't miscarry normally either. I just want this cycle to be over with already.

IVF #4 = Chemical :-(

I went in Sunday (I should have gone in saturday, but since I'm a Sabbath observer they said I could go in the next day). The beta was very low -- at 32. They were still hopeful that maybe it would double and it would be fine. I went in today and my beta dropped to 25. It's definitely a chemical. :-(
I guess I should be happy since this is the first ivf I've had that was positive at all, even if only for a few days... But easier said than done. :-(

Now I've had a miscarriage, an ectopic, and now a chemical. When will I get a pregnancy that works?

IVF #4 update part 2

So there were two good embryos that they used for the transfer and eight others that were so-so. They decided to wait to day 6 to see how those looked to see if they were worth freezing. They didn't end up freezing any of them so I guess they weren't good. :-( So out of our 25 eggs, this is our 1 and only try! Wish us luck!!!

IVF #4 Update

So this cycle took forever-- they kept raising and lowering the amount of follistim I was on since my estrogen kept changing drastically. There were a few points where they almost cancelled the cycle since it went so high, but thankfully, we did make it to the retrieval and without hyperstimulating! The retrieval was on this past Saturday. Tomorrow is the transfer. We had 25 eggs and 15 embryos as of Sunday. I have no idea how many are left or the quality but hopefully we'll have some good ones for tomorrow! This is the most we've ever had so I guess the > 1 month of follistim was worth something! Wish me luck!!

RE #4 & HSG #2 & IVF #4

So I had my consult with the new RE. We're doing an IVF, similar to IVF #1 (with RE #2). He wasn't so concerned about our lack of success with IVFs since he said the last doctor we used had very low success rates in general and his is much better. Of course, he didn't take the last insurance we had, so going to him wasn't really an option previously. We don't really have 10s of thousands of dollars lying around waiting to be used for cycles that don't work anyway.

He also wanted me to do another HSG, since the first one I had was before my ectopic. I had it on Monday and the results were basically inconclusive. He said everything was fine except the right fallopian tube. He couldn't tell with that one. He said the dye did go through so it's definitely not completely blocked, but there might be some scarring from the ectopic. He said that if I was a person with no issues and a 28-day cycle, he'd want to do the laproscopic surgery and see if there's scarring and fix it if there is. But since we need to do IVF anyway, he didn't think there was any point to the surgery since the scarring won't affect IVF (though he said it might have affected the IUIs we did). So basically we're still on for IVF #4. He's having us go on bcp for a month first (we did that for IVF #1 as well). When I went to pick up the bcp from the pharmacy, I also picked up the antibiotic I needed for the HSG. The pharmacist there "needed" to speak to me. She wanted to make sure I knew that if I took those antibiotics at the same time as the birth control pills, the birth control pills might not be as effective. She was very concerned. I nodded and smiled, thinking the whole time that that should be my worst problem. I accidentally get pregnant while on birth control.

More Failures

A few months ago, I decided I should get a consult with another doctor, as my current RE is out of ideas. My new insurance is more accepted, so I made an appointment for a new place that takes this insurance, that in theory has a high success rate. However, their next appointment was 3 months away. Three months is now almost over, so my appointment is on Wednesday. Hopefully, the RE will have a good idea for us.
Anyway, while we were waiting for our appointment, we did another IUI (I needed an IVF break). We found out yesterday that it didn't work. :-( It wasn't really a big shock at this point, but it still hurts anyway.
So that's where we are right now. Same place as always. No where.

IVF #3 =failure

:'-(

IVF #3 Update

So we decided to go ahead with the IVF procedure, even with the lining issues.
We ended up with 3 fertilized embryos. 1 was grade a, the other 2 were average.
Now we wait...

Stress and More Stress

Okay, I'm going insane.

My DH and I had planned to take a nice vacation this month (we were thinking of going to the carribean) since we're taking a break from treatment so we can finally have a real vacation. But of course that wasn't meant to be.
My work decided that they're switching our insurance in January. Which is actually really good news since the new insurance covers 2 IVFs (although with no more than 2 embryos transfered at one time). So that means we have a little more time before we get to the poor house, right?
But I still had that one IVF cycle left from my old insurance (since we just used one from that insurance). So of course I'm not one to throw $10,000 into the garbage. So there went our break. But it was for a good cause -- for 1 more chance at a baby. So it was worth it, even though I wasn't yet ready to try agin, right?

WRONG!

I went to the RE yesterday, after having taken provera to bring on a period, but for some reason, the provera decided that this would be the perfect time NOT to work. So I bled just enough to make me nidda (yippee -- sarcasm, sarcasm) but not enough to actually get rid of my lining. So my RE said he really thinks I need to take another round of provera, but if I do, we won't be done before January, so I'll lose this cycle. So he said I should just do the cycle anyway even though my lining's thick.

Anyway, after going back and forth about this, we decided I should come in tomorrow in case maybe, by some miracle, my lining disappeared on it's own, even though I did not bleed much more since the last appointment.

But now I don't know what to do. Do I just do a cycle when my body's not really ready to start it, or do I not do it now and lose one of my few IVF cycles that I can do for free. So basically, I ended my break for nothing and lost my long awaited vacation with my hubby for nothing. Isn't this just so my life?

The one time my body doesn't respond to provera is the one time I'm really on a tight deadline to complete this cycle...

Now I have to decide what to do tomorrow... Any advice from any of you out there??

The New Year - thoughts, reflections

Well, it's that time of year again -- our new year. I hate it so much! So let's see...
Last year, right before yom kipper I found out I failed my first IVF cycle which was an 8 month process, due to my idiot doctor as well as hyperstimulating. I didn't go to shul or even leave my bed all yom kipper... How far did I come from there?
We had a few month break, then 4 -IUIs, the third one "successful" with an ectopic pregnancy. We had one more IVF cycle that was a failure -- but only took a little more than a month, so not as bad a failure as the first one (if there's degrees of failure).
Now my insurance only covers one more IVF (and no more IUIs) and then we pay for whatever else we do out of pocket. What a great year this will be financially.
Okay, I don't have very much hope for this year. How many more IVFs can I do before going out of my mind?
In terms of everything else -- I'm still working at the same job, dh is still in school, dh's grandfather died this year, my grandmother got very sick. Our marriage is still good, at least at the times when we're not doing treatment (which isn't frequent enough). So I guess I can be grateful that things haven't gotten dreadfully worse, but it's difficult to be grateful for that.
I do know that I need to reevaluate how I'm feeling because right before Rosh Hashana I had the weirdest, scariest dream...
The short version is that I was on this bus that was being chased by Ahmadinejad (from Iran, is there any other?) He was killing us, and I was so scared that I was going to die. The bus stopped moving and we all ran out and found places to hide. As I was hiding, I started thinking about how Rosh Hashana was coming up. I was so scared I'd die before Rosh Hashana. I told myself that if I was still alive on Rosh Hashana and no longer scared for my life I would be grateful to G-d for everything and would stop being upset about the "little" things that I don't have -- such as kids, etc. I'd just be grateful to have my life and to not be scared about losing it.
Then I woke up. And I realized it was before Rosh Hashana and no one was chasing me and I wasn't scared about dying. And I needed to keep my promise. So I tried to, while I was in shul this Rosh Hashana. I tried to think about how happy I am to be alive, and how grateful I should be to know that I'm not in any grave danger. But it was hard. But I will keep trying to think that way as long as a can, as hard as it is, because I made a promise. (Do promises made in a dream count?)

Failed IVF... again

it didn't work :-( of my 8 mature follicles, only 3 had eggs. They all fertilized but weren't great quality... They put all the eggs in one basket literally and nothing took. :-( The weird part is I was scheduled for my pregnancy test this monday and started bleeding the friday before. Guess they really didn't want to be there. :-(

At least I didn't hyperstimulate this time.
Anyway, dh and I decided to take a break for at least a few months. Emotionally I'm not doing too well, and physically I really need to start getting rid of some of this fertility treatment belly that I developed... It's ironic, fertility treatment gives me the pregnant stomach but not the pregnancy -- so unfair!

Another Failure

It didn't work :-( Time for IVF... unless I shoot myself first....

More Updates,annoying comments, and angry mother-in-laws

So we did the IUI last week, now we're just waiting... I don't have much hope for it though.

Yesterday, someone in my building was talking to me about the shuls in the community and then asked me straight out, "When are you planning on having kids?" How do you answer that question??? I didn't know what to say and just said "whenever". Anyone have any good answers to that? Guess I could have said "None of your business", but I'm really trying to be nice to people and make friends. :-( But maybe it's okay to be rude to stupid people?

On Thursday night my Mother-in-law called my DH and said she was very angry at me since I don't initiate hugs with her. He mentioned that I'm not a huggy person in general and that I do hug back when she hugs me. She said that even when I hug back I flinch and isn't he worried about being married to a person that's so cold? Then she said, "What will you do when you have kids and she doesn't hug them either?" DH said, "IF we have kids, of course she'll hug them. If I was worried about that, I wouldn't be married to her." I thought her whole question was very strange -- I never heard about a correlation between how much you hug your mother-in-law and how much one hugs her children. Hugging one's children is instinct. I don't think there's a hugging mother-in-law instinct. I also thought given that she knows how hard it is for us to have children in the first place, it was even more inappropriate because of that.

Update

So the doctor wants me to come in next week for an ultrasound/blood test. If all is fine we'll start the next round of treatment then. He said he thinks we should do one more IUI and then move straight to ivf, since my insurance only covers one more iui and he doesn't think it makes sense to pay out of pocket for something with such a small chance of working. Of course my chances for an ectopic with the IUI are now 1 out of 10 instead of 1 out of 10o. For IVF, my chances are 5% which is the same as anyone doing IVF so I guess that's good at least.

Guess this at least gives me time to get used to the idea of doing IVF again...