IVF #3 Update

So we decided to go ahead with the IVF procedure, even with the lining issues.
We ended up with 3 fertilized embryos. 1 was grade a, the other 2 were average.
Now we wait...

Stress and More Stress

Okay, I'm going insane.

My DH and I had planned to take a nice vacation this month (we were thinking of going to the carribean) since we're taking a break from treatment so we can finally have a real vacation. But of course that wasn't meant to be.
My work decided that they're switching our insurance in January. Which is actually really good news since the new insurance covers 2 IVFs (although with no more than 2 embryos transfered at one time). So that means we have a little more time before we get to the poor house, right?
But I still had that one IVF cycle left from my old insurance (since we just used one from that insurance). So of course I'm not one to throw $10,000 into the garbage. So there went our break. But it was for a good cause -- for 1 more chance at a baby. So it was worth it, even though I wasn't yet ready to try agin, right?

WRONG!

I went to the RE yesterday, after having taken provera to bring on a period, but for some reason, the provera decided that this would be the perfect time NOT to work. So I bled just enough to make me nidda (yippee -- sarcasm, sarcasm) but not enough to actually get rid of my lining. So my RE said he really thinks I need to take another round of provera, but if I do, we won't be done before January, so I'll lose this cycle. So he said I should just do the cycle anyway even though my lining's thick.

Anyway, after going back and forth about this, we decided I should come in tomorrow in case maybe, by some miracle, my lining disappeared on it's own, even though I did not bleed much more since the last appointment.

But now I don't know what to do. Do I just do a cycle when my body's not really ready to start it, or do I not do it now and lose one of my few IVF cycles that I can do for free. So basically, I ended my break for nothing and lost my long awaited vacation with my hubby for nothing. Isn't this just so my life?

The one time my body doesn't respond to provera is the one time I'm really on a tight deadline to complete this cycle...

Now I have to decide what to do tomorrow... Any advice from any of you out there??

The New Year - thoughts, reflections

Well, it's that time of year again -- our new year. I hate it so much! So let's see...
Last year, right before yom kipper I found out I failed my first IVF cycle which was an 8 month process, due to my idiot doctor as well as hyperstimulating. I didn't go to shul or even leave my bed all yom kipper... How far did I come from there?
We had a few month break, then 4 -IUIs, the third one "successful" with an ectopic pregnancy. We had one more IVF cycle that was a failure -- but only took a little more than a month, so not as bad a failure as the first one (if there's degrees of failure).
Now my insurance only covers one more IVF (and no more IUIs) and then we pay for whatever else we do out of pocket. What a great year this will be financially.
Okay, I don't have very much hope for this year. How many more IVFs can I do before going out of my mind?
In terms of everything else -- I'm still working at the same job, dh is still in school, dh's grandfather died this year, my grandmother got very sick. Our marriage is still good, at least at the times when we're not doing treatment (which isn't frequent enough). So I guess I can be grateful that things haven't gotten dreadfully worse, but it's difficult to be grateful for that.
I do know that I need to reevaluate how I'm feeling because right before Rosh Hashana I had the weirdest, scariest dream...
The short version is that I was on this bus that was being chased by Ahmadinejad (from Iran, is there any other?) He was killing us, and I was so scared that I was going to die. The bus stopped moving and we all ran out and found places to hide. As I was hiding, I started thinking about how Rosh Hashana was coming up. I was so scared I'd die before Rosh Hashana. I told myself that if I was still alive on Rosh Hashana and no longer scared for my life I would be grateful to G-d for everything and would stop being upset about the "little" things that I don't have -- such as kids, etc. I'd just be grateful to have my life and to not be scared about losing it.
Then I woke up. And I realized it was before Rosh Hashana and no one was chasing me and I wasn't scared about dying. And I needed to keep my promise. So I tried to, while I was in shul this Rosh Hashana. I tried to think about how happy I am to be alive, and how grateful I should be to know that I'm not in any grave danger. But it was hard. But I will keep trying to think that way as long as a can, as hard as it is, because I made a promise. (Do promises made in a dream count?)

Failed IVF... again

it didn't work :-( of my 8 mature follicles, only 3 had eggs. They all fertilized but weren't great quality... They put all the eggs in one basket literally and nothing took. :-( The weird part is I was scheduled for my pregnancy test this monday and started bleeding the friday before. Guess they really didn't want to be there. :-(

At least I didn't hyperstimulate this time.
Anyway, dh and I decided to take a break for at least a few months. Emotionally I'm not doing too well, and physically I really need to start getting rid of some of this fertility treatment belly that I developed... It's ironic, fertility treatment gives me the pregnant stomach but not the pregnancy -- so unfair!

Another Failure

It didn't work :-( Time for IVF... unless I shoot myself first....

More Updates,annoying comments, and angry mother-in-laws

So we did the IUI last week, now we're just waiting... I don't have much hope for it though.

Yesterday, someone in my building was talking to me about the shuls in the community and then asked me straight out, "When are you planning on having kids?" How do you answer that question??? I didn't know what to say and just said "whenever". Anyone have any good answers to that? Guess I could have said "None of your business", but I'm really trying to be nice to people and make friends. :-( But maybe it's okay to be rude to stupid people?

On Thursday night my Mother-in-law called my DH and said she was very angry at me since I don't initiate hugs with her. He mentioned that I'm not a huggy person in general and that I do hug back when she hugs me. She said that even when I hug back I flinch and isn't he worried about being married to a person that's so cold? Then she said, "What will you do when you have kids and she doesn't hug them either?" DH said, "IF we have kids, of course she'll hug them. If I was worried about that, I wouldn't be married to her." I thought her whole question was very strange -- I never heard about a correlation between how much you hug your mother-in-law and how much one hugs her children. Hugging one's children is instinct. I don't think there's a hugging mother-in-law instinct. I also thought given that she knows how hard it is for us to have children in the first place, it was even more inappropriate because of that.

Update

So the doctor wants me to come in next week for an ultrasound/blood test. If all is fine we'll start the next round of treatment then. He said he thinks we should do one more IUI and then move straight to ivf, since my insurance only covers one more iui and he doesn't think it makes sense to pay out of pocket for something with such a small chance of working. Of course my chances for an ectopic with the IUI are now 1 out of 10 instead of 1 out of 10o. For IVF, my chances are 5% which is the same as anyone doing IVF so I guess that's good at least.

Guess this at least gives me time to get used to the idea of doing IVF again...