Last year, right before yom kipper I found out I failed my first IVF cycle which was an 8 month process, due to my idiot doctor as well as hyperstimulating. I didn't go to shul or even leave my bed all yom kipper... How far did I come from there?
We had a few month break, then 4 -IUIs, the third one "successful" with an ectopic pregnancy. We had one more IVF cycle that was a failure -- but only took a little more than a month, so not as bad a failure as the first one (if there's degrees of failure).
Now my insurance only covers one more IVF (and no more IUIs) and then we pay for whatever else we do out of pocket. What a great year this will be financially.
Okay, I don't have very much hope for this year. How many more IVFs can I do before going out of my mind?
In terms of everything else -- I'm still working at the same job, dh is still in school, dh's grandfather died this year, my grandmother got very sick. Our marriage is still good, at least at the times when we're not doing treatment (which isn't frequent enough). So I guess I can be grateful that things haven't gotten dreadfully worse, but it's difficult to be grateful for that.
I do know that I need to reevaluate how I'm feeling because right before Rosh Hashana I had the weirdest, scariest dream...
The short version is that I was on this bus that was being chased by Ahmadinejad (from Iran, is there any other?) He was killing us, and I was so scared that I was going to die. The bus stopped moving and we all ran out and found places to hide. As I was hiding, I started thinking about how Rosh Hashana was coming up. I was so scared I'd die before Rosh Hashana. I told myself that if I was still alive on Rosh Hashana and no longer scared for my life I would be grateful to G-d for everything and would stop being upset about the "little" things that I don't have -- such as kids, etc. I'd just be grateful to have my life and to not be scared about losing it.
Then I woke up. And I realized it was before Rosh Hashana and no one was chasing me and I wasn't scared about dying. And I needed to keep my promise. So I tried to, while I was in shul this Rosh Hashana. I tried to think about how happy I am to be alive, and how grateful I should be to know that I'm not in any grave danger. But it was hard. But I will keep trying to think that way as long as a can, as hard as it is, because I made a promise. (Do promises made in a dream count?)
2 comments:
If we ever met (we could, possibly, go to the same clinic...), I would give you the biggest hug because your year sounds a lot like mine. While you were in bed last Yom Kippur mourning, I was actually having egg retrieval for IVF #4 (yep, on Yom Kippur), which resulted in a pregnancy, which resulted in a miscarriage. When I look at the past year, I remember that. I also lost my grandmother last year (3.5 weeks after my D&C - how's that for a kick in the gut) and my husband had a heart attack. Like you, I try to look at the good, but, if can just be so very hard.
It;s a tough time of year. I always find davening so difficult, plus you see everyone out with their kids, without a care in the world.
As for more practical issues, you can get insurance for IVF thru Bonei Olam. Please don't add debt to your worries.
G'mar Chasima Tova.
This should be the year all the things you daven for happen.
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