RE #4 & HSG #2 & IVF #4

So I had my consult with the new RE. We're doing an IVF, similar to IVF #1 (with RE #2). He wasn't so concerned about our lack of success with IVFs since he said the last doctor we used had very low success rates in general and his is much better. Of course, he didn't take the last insurance we had, so going to him wasn't really an option previously. We don't really have 10s of thousands of dollars lying around waiting to be used for cycles that don't work anyway.

He also wanted me to do another HSG, since the first one I had was before my ectopic. I had it on Monday and the results were basically inconclusive. He said everything was fine except the right fallopian tube. He couldn't tell with that one. He said the dye did go through so it's definitely not completely blocked, but there might be some scarring from the ectopic. He said that if I was a person with no issues and a 28-day cycle, he'd want to do the laproscopic surgery and see if there's scarring and fix it if there is. But since we need to do IVF anyway, he didn't think there was any point to the surgery since the scarring won't affect IVF (though he said it might have affected the IUIs we did). So basically we're still on for IVF #4. He's having us go on bcp for a month first (we did that for IVF #1 as well). When I went to pick up the bcp from the pharmacy, I also picked up the antibiotic I needed for the HSG. The pharmacist there "needed" to speak to me. She wanted to make sure I knew that if I took those antibiotics at the same time as the birth control pills, the birth control pills might not be as effective. She was very concerned. I nodded and smiled, thinking the whole time that that should be my worst problem. I accidentally get pregnant while on birth control.

More Failures

A few months ago, I decided I should get a consult with another doctor, as my current RE is out of ideas. My new insurance is more accepted, so I made an appointment for a new place that takes this insurance, that in theory has a high success rate. However, their next appointment was 3 months away. Three months is now almost over, so my appointment is on Wednesday. Hopefully, the RE will have a good idea for us.
Anyway, while we were waiting for our appointment, we did another IUI (I needed an IVF break). We found out yesterday that it didn't work. :-( It wasn't really a big shock at this point, but it still hurts anyway.
So that's where we are right now. Same place as always. No where.

IVF #3 =failure

:'-(

IVF #3 Update

So we decided to go ahead with the IVF procedure, even with the lining issues.
We ended up with 3 fertilized embryos. 1 was grade a, the other 2 were average.
Now we wait...

Stress and More Stress

Okay, I'm going insane.

My DH and I had planned to take a nice vacation this month (we were thinking of going to the carribean) since we're taking a break from treatment so we can finally have a real vacation. But of course that wasn't meant to be.
My work decided that they're switching our insurance in January. Which is actually really good news since the new insurance covers 2 IVFs (although with no more than 2 embryos transfered at one time). So that means we have a little more time before we get to the poor house, right?
But I still had that one IVF cycle left from my old insurance (since we just used one from that insurance). So of course I'm not one to throw $10,000 into the garbage. So there went our break. But it was for a good cause -- for 1 more chance at a baby. So it was worth it, even though I wasn't yet ready to try agin, right?

WRONG!

I went to the RE yesterday, after having taken provera to bring on a period, but for some reason, the provera decided that this would be the perfect time NOT to work. So I bled just enough to make me nidda (yippee -- sarcasm, sarcasm) but not enough to actually get rid of my lining. So my RE said he really thinks I need to take another round of provera, but if I do, we won't be done before January, so I'll lose this cycle. So he said I should just do the cycle anyway even though my lining's thick.

Anyway, after going back and forth about this, we decided I should come in tomorrow in case maybe, by some miracle, my lining disappeared on it's own, even though I did not bleed much more since the last appointment.

But now I don't know what to do. Do I just do a cycle when my body's not really ready to start it, or do I not do it now and lose one of my few IVF cycles that I can do for free. So basically, I ended my break for nothing and lost my long awaited vacation with my hubby for nothing. Isn't this just so my life?

The one time my body doesn't respond to provera is the one time I'm really on a tight deadline to complete this cycle...

Now I have to decide what to do tomorrow... Any advice from any of you out there??

The New Year - thoughts, reflections

Well, it's that time of year again -- our new year. I hate it so much! So let's see...
Last year, right before yom kipper I found out I failed my first IVF cycle which was an 8 month process, due to my idiot doctor as well as hyperstimulating. I didn't go to shul or even leave my bed all yom kipper... How far did I come from there?
We had a few month break, then 4 -IUIs, the third one "successful" with an ectopic pregnancy. We had one more IVF cycle that was a failure -- but only took a little more than a month, so not as bad a failure as the first one (if there's degrees of failure).
Now my insurance only covers one more IVF (and no more IUIs) and then we pay for whatever else we do out of pocket. What a great year this will be financially.
Okay, I don't have very much hope for this year. How many more IVFs can I do before going out of my mind?
In terms of everything else -- I'm still working at the same job, dh is still in school, dh's grandfather died this year, my grandmother got very sick. Our marriage is still good, at least at the times when we're not doing treatment (which isn't frequent enough). So I guess I can be grateful that things haven't gotten dreadfully worse, but it's difficult to be grateful for that.
I do know that I need to reevaluate how I'm feeling because right before Rosh Hashana I had the weirdest, scariest dream...
The short version is that I was on this bus that was being chased by Ahmadinejad (from Iran, is there any other?) He was killing us, and I was so scared that I was going to die. The bus stopped moving and we all ran out and found places to hide. As I was hiding, I started thinking about how Rosh Hashana was coming up. I was so scared I'd die before Rosh Hashana. I told myself that if I was still alive on Rosh Hashana and no longer scared for my life I would be grateful to G-d for everything and would stop being upset about the "little" things that I don't have -- such as kids, etc. I'd just be grateful to have my life and to not be scared about losing it.
Then I woke up. And I realized it was before Rosh Hashana and no one was chasing me and I wasn't scared about dying. And I needed to keep my promise. So I tried to, while I was in shul this Rosh Hashana. I tried to think about how happy I am to be alive, and how grateful I should be to know that I'm not in any grave danger. But it was hard. But I will keep trying to think that way as long as a can, as hard as it is, because I made a promise. (Do promises made in a dream count?)

Failed IVF... again

it didn't work :-( of my 8 mature follicles, only 3 had eggs. They all fertilized but weren't great quality... They put all the eggs in one basket literally and nothing took. :-( The weird part is I was scheduled for my pregnancy test this monday and started bleeding the friday before. Guess they really didn't want to be there. :-(

At least I didn't hyperstimulate this time.
Anyway, dh and I decided to take a break for at least a few months. Emotionally I'm not doing too well, and physically I really need to start getting rid of some of this fertility treatment belly that I developed... It's ironic, fertility treatment gives me the pregnant stomach but not the pregnancy -- so unfair!