Update

So the doctor wants me to come in next week for an ultrasound/blood test. If all is fine we'll start the next round of treatment then. He said he thinks we should do one more IUI and then move straight to ivf, since my insurance only covers one more iui and he doesn't think it makes sense to pay out of pocket for something with such a small chance of working. Of course my chances for an ectopic with the IUI are now 1 out of 10 instead of 1 out of 10o. For IVF, my chances are 5% which is the same as anyone doing IVF so I guess that's good at least.

Guess this at least gives me time to get used to the idea of doing IVF again...

Continuing treatment?

Well, it's about a month since our miscarriage. Today DH made an appointment with our dr to see what the next step is for us. We're going in on Wednesday. I'm assuming he'll want to do IVF since that probably has less risk of another ectopic. I did IVF once (about a year ago) and swore never to do it again. It was an eight month process since I hyperstimulated so badly we had to wait forever to actually put in the embryos. Guess I may need to break my promise as I'm doubtful there are any other options left for us. Yay - -we get to spend more money and I get lots more crazy shots and I get to hyperstimulate so badly that I can't move -- all for the little tiny chance that maybe this time it will work, even though every other thing we try doesn't work at all. How do we go on day by day always hoping? Sometimes I wish we could just run out of hope for good so that I can stop with all the stupid meds and dr appointments. But then the next second comes, and I wish I had more hope so that I could be happier. Maybe IF just makes people crazy. Or maybe I was always crazy...

another baby lost

he said no to the adoption :-(

adopting a relative...

So today I was asked if we would want to adopt a relative (I was asked by the baby's grandmother who's now raising the child). It's a boy that's about one and a half. The parents have their issues, we don't know if the mother was drinking, doing drugs, etc. when pregnant. We don't really know anything just that the baby's very underweight now, the mother doesn't want him, and the father can't take care of him.

I'm trying to convince my husband that we should take the baby (as foster parents first), or at least go visit the child maybe with a psychologist to get him evaluated. My DH though is really worried about adoption in general, and especially since we know of some of the issues with the parents. He said he'll think about it, but he's really sad now since he wants to say no but he knows it will hurt me.

I'm also worried, of course, but if we did this we could have a child!!! And my relatives would be so happy since then they could still have a relationship with the boy. They really don't want him to be at strangers and have nothing to do with them.

Any advice about any of this? Am I crazy to want to take this child? And if I'm not, how can I convince DH??

Belonging No Where

I belong no where.

My husband and I just moved to a new community. The last community we lived in was all couples with babies. This community is larger and has some singles as well. We thought that would be better, as maybe we could fit in with the single people since they don't have children either. But so far, it seems we were wrong.

We invite the single people we meet over, yet we're their last resort for a sabbath meal. They wait until Thursday night to respond and then only say yes if they could not find any other meal.

We have yet to be invited over by a single person.

We go to a married couple's meal and they invite other couples. I am the only woman without a pregnant stomach or a baby in my hands. The entire conversation is about labor and childbirth. I don't fit in.

We go to a Synagogue meal and the single people quickly go to a table of their own, and the couples with children go to their own tables. We choose a table and everyone shuns it. Others come in, and seem to not see the vast amount of empty seats at our table. Instead they find a chair and squeeze into an already full table. Why would they want to sit with us? We are too married for the single people and too childless for the married couples. We're not wanted. We have to remain alone. Always at our own table, always shunned.

Will this be my life forever?

The good news: it's negative!

So they called me with the good new today -- It's finally negative! Wow, who thought the day would come when we'd be happy about a negative pregnancy test result? This IF world is really backwards! This goes right along with my last RE who's favorite fertility treatment for us included abstinence + menapause (in the form of Lupron) + birth control, all at the same time! And then we wonder why we can't get pregnant. At least we know how all these REs stay in business!

Where is the sensitivity?

Here is something I wrote as I was miscarrying. Let me know what you think.

-----

I write to you, as I sit here, going through yet another miscarriage. This one is number two. This one is due to an ectopic pregnancy. We would have been due on our fourth anniversary.

When I was single, I used to hate the im yirtza hashem by yous that I would get from almost everybody. I hated the pity glances at my “still” uncovered hair. I hated the judgments from others.

Nothing changes when you are married without children.

I still get the im yirtza hashem by yous, but now they also come with kvatter offers and other random sgulah offers. Not to mention a mothers-day-card from one of my “well-meaning” friends.

The stares now are at my stomach. Everyone’s playing the guess if she’s pregnant game. I already got a few b’shaa tova’s from people when I was not pregnant. These comments were shortly after my first miscarriage.

My “favorite” childless story though is when I was married for a year and a half and a lady I did not know at a wedding asked my husband and me if we had children. When I replied that we did not, she exclaimed, loud enough to make everyone at my table uncomfortable,
“You’re married a year and a half and you have no children. How can you call yourselves frum?!”

You would be surprised at the number of couples that have told us how lucky we are not to have any children. One lady in shul said to me, “You’re so lucky to have this time together without any kids. I wasn’t that lucky.” At that point she had six children. At that point I was hyperstimulating from an IVF cycle, could barely walk, and was trying my best to stay out of the hospital.

And then there are the women in shul that constantly ask where my baby is. My latest response to this was, “I didn’t realize having a baby was a prerequisite for coming to this shul.” I don’t think my answer was appreciated.
I guess insensitivity follows you with every stage in life. I’m sure people with kids (and maybe if we ever get to that point, I’ll know this from personal experience) also feel the insensitivity for other reasons. It probably never ends. But why can’t it? I try to be extra sensitive when I’m around singles, as I was single for a while and I know how difficult it can be. My husband and I won’t even hold hands around singles, as we’re concerned that our showing affection may cause them unnecessary pain. We have made shidduchim together to try and help our friends in whatever way we can (and have brought children into the world that way, at least). So I wonder sometimes why married couples with children can’t be just as “extra” sensitive around couples with children. Would it be so hard not to talk about disposable diapers vs. cloth diapers as the sole topic of conversation when childless people are present?
We desperately need sensitivity training in the Jewish community to help couples going through all stages of life. We are not all at our desired stage of life nor are we all at the place we envisioned for ourselves when we were younger. My husband and I started trying to have children immediately when we got married, as we both wanted a large family and had been dating for many years before finding each other. At this point, we’ll be ecstatic to have even one healthy child. We’ve been through so many doctors that I joke that at this point that I can’t even count the number of people that have seen me undressed. We’ve spent thousands upon thousands of dollars already, just to do yet more treatments that only succeed in fatiguing us both physically and emotionally. And we go through this almost entirely alone. Thankfully, most of our friends at this point our married with children. We’re very happy for them, but it’s hard for us, having almost no support system at all. And it’s hard for us to spend time with them, when they are constantly teasing about giving away their children and complaining about every spit up and dirty diaper. How happy we would be to have a diaper to change! How happy we would be to be woken up in middle of the night by a crying child!
As I sit here, trying to bear the pain of my second miscarriage and of our once-again shattered hopes, I wish with all my heart that our next pregnancy will have a better outcome. And I also wish with all my heart that our journey, as well as the journey of others in this situation and any other situation, could be made slightly easier through the sensitivity of others.

betas going down...

it's funny hoping my beta goes down. . but that's the point I'm at now. Last week I was down to 6. I'm going in again tomorrow, as they're hoping it'll be down to zero then. Hopefully it will, and this will all be over!

Don't know what the next step will be... We'll probably need to wait a while before continuing to cycle.