IVF #3 Update

So we decided to go ahead with the IVF procedure, even with the lining issues.
We ended up with 3 fertilized embryos. 1 was grade a, the other 2 were average.
Now we wait...

Stress and More Stress

Okay, I'm going insane.

My DH and I had planned to take a nice vacation this month (we were thinking of going to the carribean) since we're taking a break from treatment so we can finally have a real vacation. But of course that wasn't meant to be.
My work decided that they're switching our insurance in January. Which is actually really good news since the new insurance covers 2 IVFs (although with no more than 2 embryos transfered at one time). So that means we have a little more time before we get to the poor house, right?
But I still had that one IVF cycle left from my old insurance (since we just used one from that insurance). So of course I'm not one to throw $10,000 into the garbage. So there went our break. But it was for a good cause -- for 1 more chance at a baby. So it was worth it, even though I wasn't yet ready to try agin, right?

WRONG!

I went to the RE yesterday, after having taken provera to bring on a period, but for some reason, the provera decided that this would be the perfect time NOT to work. So I bled just enough to make me nidda (yippee -- sarcasm, sarcasm) but not enough to actually get rid of my lining. So my RE said he really thinks I need to take another round of provera, but if I do, we won't be done before January, so I'll lose this cycle. So he said I should just do the cycle anyway even though my lining's thick.

Anyway, after going back and forth about this, we decided I should come in tomorrow in case maybe, by some miracle, my lining disappeared on it's own, even though I did not bleed much more since the last appointment.

But now I don't know what to do. Do I just do a cycle when my body's not really ready to start it, or do I not do it now and lose one of my few IVF cycles that I can do for free. So basically, I ended my break for nothing and lost my long awaited vacation with my hubby for nothing. Isn't this just so my life?

The one time my body doesn't respond to provera is the one time I'm really on a tight deadline to complete this cycle...

Now I have to decide what to do tomorrow... Any advice from any of you out there??

The New Year - thoughts, reflections

Well, it's that time of year again -- our new year. I hate it so much! So let's see...
Last year, right before yom kipper I found out I failed my first IVF cycle which was an 8 month process, due to my idiot doctor as well as hyperstimulating. I didn't go to shul or even leave my bed all yom kipper... How far did I come from there?
We had a few month break, then 4 -IUIs, the third one "successful" with an ectopic pregnancy. We had one more IVF cycle that was a failure -- but only took a little more than a month, so not as bad a failure as the first one (if there's degrees of failure).
Now my insurance only covers one more IVF (and no more IUIs) and then we pay for whatever else we do out of pocket. What a great year this will be financially.
Okay, I don't have very much hope for this year. How many more IVFs can I do before going out of my mind?
In terms of everything else -- I'm still working at the same job, dh is still in school, dh's grandfather died this year, my grandmother got very sick. Our marriage is still good, at least at the times when we're not doing treatment (which isn't frequent enough). So I guess I can be grateful that things haven't gotten dreadfully worse, but it's difficult to be grateful for that.
I do know that I need to reevaluate how I'm feeling because right before Rosh Hashana I had the weirdest, scariest dream...
The short version is that I was on this bus that was being chased by Ahmadinejad (from Iran, is there any other?) He was killing us, and I was so scared that I was going to die. The bus stopped moving and we all ran out and found places to hide. As I was hiding, I started thinking about how Rosh Hashana was coming up. I was so scared I'd die before Rosh Hashana. I told myself that if I was still alive on Rosh Hashana and no longer scared for my life I would be grateful to G-d for everything and would stop being upset about the "little" things that I don't have -- such as kids, etc. I'd just be grateful to have my life and to not be scared about losing it.
Then I woke up. And I realized it was before Rosh Hashana and no one was chasing me and I wasn't scared about dying. And I needed to keep my promise. So I tried to, while I was in shul this Rosh Hashana. I tried to think about how happy I am to be alive, and how grateful I should be to know that I'm not in any grave danger. But it was hard. But I will keep trying to think that way as long as a can, as hard as it is, because I made a promise. (Do promises made in a dream count?)

Failed IVF... again

it didn't work :-( of my 8 mature follicles, only 3 had eggs. They all fertilized but weren't great quality... They put all the eggs in one basket literally and nothing took. :-( The weird part is I was scheduled for my pregnancy test this monday and started bleeding the friday before. Guess they really didn't want to be there. :-(

At least I didn't hyperstimulate this time.
Anyway, dh and I decided to take a break for at least a few months. Emotionally I'm not doing too well, and physically I really need to start getting rid of some of this fertility treatment belly that I developed... It's ironic, fertility treatment gives me the pregnant stomach but not the pregnancy -- so unfair!

Another Failure

It didn't work :-( Time for IVF... unless I shoot myself first....

More Updates,annoying comments, and angry mother-in-laws

So we did the IUI last week, now we're just waiting... I don't have much hope for it though.

Yesterday, someone in my building was talking to me about the shuls in the community and then asked me straight out, "When are you planning on having kids?" How do you answer that question??? I didn't know what to say and just said "whenever". Anyone have any good answers to that? Guess I could have said "None of your business", but I'm really trying to be nice to people and make friends. :-( But maybe it's okay to be rude to stupid people?

On Thursday night my Mother-in-law called my DH and said she was very angry at me since I don't initiate hugs with her. He mentioned that I'm not a huggy person in general and that I do hug back when she hugs me. She said that even when I hug back I flinch and isn't he worried about being married to a person that's so cold? Then she said, "What will you do when you have kids and she doesn't hug them either?" DH said, "IF we have kids, of course she'll hug them. If I was worried about that, I wouldn't be married to her." I thought her whole question was very strange -- I never heard about a correlation between how much you hug your mother-in-law and how much one hugs her children. Hugging one's children is instinct. I don't think there's a hugging mother-in-law instinct. I also thought given that she knows how hard it is for us to have children in the first place, it was even more inappropriate because of that.

Update

So the doctor wants me to come in next week for an ultrasound/blood test. If all is fine we'll start the next round of treatment then. He said he thinks we should do one more IUI and then move straight to ivf, since my insurance only covers one more iui and he doesn't think it makes sense to pay out of pocket for something with such a small chance of working. Of course my chances for an ectopic with the IUI are now 1 out of 10 instead of 1 out of 10o. For IVF, my chances are 5% which is the same as anyone doing IVF so I guess that's good at least.

Guess this at least gives me time to get used to the idea of doing IVF again...

Continuing treatment?

Well, it's about a month since our miscarriage. Today DH made an appointment with our dr to see what the next step is for us. We're going in on Wednesday. I'm assuming he'll want to do IVF since that probably has less risk of another ectopic. I did IVF once (about a year ago) and swore never to do it again. It was an eight month process since I hyperstimulated so badly we had to wait forever to actually put in the embryos. Guess I may need to break my promise as I'm doubtful there are any other options left for us. Yay - -we get to spend more money and I get lots more crazy shots and I get to hyperstimulate so badly that I can't move -- all for the little tiny chance that maybe this time it will work, even though every other thing we try doesn't work at all. How do we go on day by day always hoping? Sometimes I wish we could just run out of hope for good so that I can stop with all the stupid meds and dr appointments. But then the next second comes, and I wish I had more hope so that I could be happier. Maybe IF just makes people crazy. Or maybe I was always crazy...

another baby lost

he said no to the adoption :-(

adopting a relative...

So today I was asked if we would want to adopt a relative (I was asked by the baby's grandmother who's now raising the child). It's a boy that's about one and a half. The parents have their issues, we don't know if the mother was drinking, doing drugs, etc. when pregnant. We don't really know anything just that the baby's very underweight now, the mother doesn't want him, and the father can't take care of him.

I'm trying to convince my husband that we should take the baby (as foster parents first), or at least go visit the child maybe with a psychologist to get him evaluated. My DH though is really worried about adoption in general, and especially since we know of some of the issues with the parents. He said he'll think about it, but he's really sad now since he wants to say no but he knows it will hurt me.

I'm also worried, of course, but if we did this we could have a child!!! And my relatives would be so happy since then they could still have a relationship with the boy. They really don't want him to be at strangers and have nothing to do with them.

Any advice about any of this? Am I crazy to want to take this child? And if I'm not, how can I convince DH??

Belonging No Where

I belong no where.

My husband and I just moved to a new community. The last community we lived in was all couples with babies. This community is larger and has some singles as well. We thought that would be better, as maybe we could fit in with the single people since they don't have children either. But so far, it seems we were wrong.

We invite the single people we meet over, yet we're their last resort for a sabbath meal. They wait until Thursday night to respond and then only say yes if they could not find any other meal.

We have yet to be invited over by a single person.

We go to a married couple's meal and they invite other couples. I am the only woman without a pregnant stomach or a baby in my hands. The entire conversation is about labor and childbirth. I don't fit in.

We go to a Synagogue meal and the single people quickly go to a table of their own, and the couples with children go to their own tables. We choose a table and everyone shuns it. Others come in, and seem to not see the vast amount of empty seats at our table. Instead they find a chair and squeeze into an already full table. Why would they want to sit with us? We are too married for the single people and too childless for the married couples. We're not wanted. We have to remain alone. Always at our own table, always shunned.

Will this be my life forever?

The good news: it's negative!

So they called me with the good new today -- It's finally negative! Wow, who thought the day would come when we'd be happy about a negative pregnancy test result? This IF world is really backwards! This goes right along with my last RE who's favorite fertility treatment for us included abstinence + menapause (in the form of Lupron) + birth control, all at the same time! And then we wonder why we can't get pregnant. At least we know how all these REs stay in business!

Where is the sensitivity?

Here is something I wrote as I was miscarrying. Let me know what you think.

-----

I write to you, as I sit here, going through yet another miscarriage. This one is number two. This one is due to an ectopic pregnancy. We would have been due on our fourth anniversary.

When I was single, I used to hate the im yirtza hashem by yous that I would get from almost everybody. I hated the pity glances at my “still” uncovered hair. I hated the judgments from others.

Nothing changes when you are married without children.

I still get the im yirtza hashem by yous, but now they also come with kvatter offers and other random sgulah offers. Not to mention a mothers-day-card from one of my “well-meaning” friends.

The stares now are at my stomach. Everyone’s playing the guess if she’s pregnant game. I already got a few b’shaa tova’s from people when I was not pregnant. These comments were shortly after my first miscarriage.

My “favorite” childless story though is when I was married for a year and a half and a lady I did not know at a wedding asked my husband and me if we had children. When I replied that we did not, she exclaimed, loud enough to make everyone at my table uncomfortable,
“You’re married a year and a half and you have no children. How can you call yourselves frum?!”

You would be surprised at the number of couples that have told us how lucky we are not to have any children. One lady in shul said to me, “You’re so lucky to have this time together without any kids. I wasn’t that lucky.” At that point she had six children. At that point I was hyperstimulating from an IVF cycle, could barely walk, and was trying my best to stay out of the hospital.

And then there are the women in shul that constantly ask where my baby is. My latest response to this was, “I didn’t realize having a baby was a prerequisite for coming to this shul.” I don’t think my answer was appreciated.
I guess insensitivity follows you with every stage in life. I’m sure people with kids (and maybe if we ever get to that point, I’ll know this from personal experience) also feel the insensitivity for other reasons. It probably never ends. But why can’t it? I try to be extra sensitive when I’m around singles, as I was single for a while and I know how difficult it can be. My husband and I won’t even hold hands around singles, as we’re concerned that our showing affection may cause them unnecessary pain. We have made shidduchim together to try and help our friends in whatever way we can (and have brought children into the world that way, at least). So I wonder sometimes why married couples with children can’t be just as “extra” sensitive around couples with children. Would it be so hard not to talk about disposable diapers vs. cloth diapers as the sole topic of conversation when childless people are present?
We desperately need sensitivity training in the Jewish community to help couples going through all stages of life. We are not all at our desired stage of life nor are we all at the place we envisioned for ourselves when we were younger. My husband and I started trying to have children immediately when we got married, as we both wanted a large family and had been dating for many years before finding each other. At this point, we’ll be ecstatic to have even one healthy child. We’ve been through so many doctors that I joke that at this point that I can’t even count the number of people that have seen me undressed. We’ve spent thousands upon thousands of dollars already, just to do yet more treatments that only succeed in fatiguing us both physically and emotionally. And we go through this almost entirely alone. Thankfully, most of our friends at this point our married with children. We’re very happy for them, but it’s hard for us, having almost no support system at all. And it’s hard for us to spend time with them, when they are constantly teasing about giving away their children and complaining about every spit up and dirty diaper. How happy we would be to have a diaper to change! How happy we would be to be woken up in middle of the night by a crying child!
As I sit here, trying to bear the pain of my second miscarriage and of our once-again shattered hopes, I wish with all my heart that our next pregnancy will have a better outcome. And I also wish with all my heart that our journey, as well as the journey of others in this situation and any other situation, could be made slightly easier through the sensitivity of others.

betas going down...

it's funny hoping my beta goes down. . but that's the point I'm at now. Last week I was down to 6. I'm going in again tomorrow, as they're hoping it'll be down to zero then. Hopefully it will, and this will all be over!

Don't know what the next step will be... We'll probably need to wait a while before continuing to cycle.

hi there

Not much time, but I just wanted to say hi. I'm currently going through miscarrying from my first ectopic pregnancy (I've miscarried before, but this is my first ectopic). I'll get into more specifics later. I just decided to start blogging as I thought writing about my IF journey will hopefully help me deal with it.